Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
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You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
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Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
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