Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
You Might Also Like
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
the rocks need my help
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one