I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
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I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
True statement👍😏😁
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?