if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
You Might Also Like
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
im all 3
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?