That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
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Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
at ease…shoulder.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”