That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
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Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
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Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.