Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”![]()
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Ah to hear the music of the angles!
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
That’s not how days work.
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Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
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A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
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What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?