It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
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ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions