Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
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I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
synchronized noseblowing
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge