when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
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having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Just ordered me some pizza!
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
WTF IS AN ACRONYM