Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
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The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
For the baby who has everything
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.