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I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms