My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
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imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me