Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
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[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.