Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
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Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
R.I.P.
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It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.