Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
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Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to