We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
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Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
fly smarter, not harder
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.