If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
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Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
How did we not see this back then?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.