Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

You sure about that?

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.