Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
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Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮![]()
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT