Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.