Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
You Might Also Like
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
You sure about that?
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
ME: well said, kitty, well said
FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
DORA: “I like that part too.”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.