There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
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love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
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The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses