love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
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Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Happens to everyone.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.