When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
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*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund