‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
If snakes were wide
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag