me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
You Might Also Like
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.