Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

This took me a second..

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

Always a metermaid never a meter

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too