You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
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[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
yes… yes…