My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
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I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I’m going to need a moment here.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
According to math, I’m broke
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.