No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
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Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
is this how new cars are made??
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful