No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

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thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her


CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir


Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.


If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.


I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.


“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”


I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.


Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …


[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-


“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]