Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
That’s fair
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?