The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
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REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Best table by far
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.