So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
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sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Okay, I’m still confused…
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”