Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
You Might Also Like
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Golf would be better with landmines.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.