Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
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me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
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Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.