Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
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Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.