Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
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Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
me opening up to someone
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?