I saw this ending much differently.
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Lunatics are gonna loon.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl