I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
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told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad