*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
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If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?