I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
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How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Waiting for the Charmin
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]