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I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.