Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
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My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results