Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious