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6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
23. the denim jacket
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes