Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
You Might Also Like
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.