Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!