ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
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doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Basically.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.