It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
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There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.