I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry