[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
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#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him