Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head