I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
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“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.