Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
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[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.