12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.