@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 馃憞馃従
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Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son鈥檚 iPad for 10 minutes.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
It鈥檚 a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
friend: man, I honestly don鈥檛 believe she鈥檇 cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can鈥檛 keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What鈥檚 exactly your problem 馃槶
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I鈥檓 taking you out of the will.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that鈥檚 not my name and I think you鈥檝e had enough.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox